Insane Little People


My husband always says that children are just insane little people. To support his argument he encourages me to watch the perfectly acceptable and cute behavior of small children then imagine a full grown adult doing the exact same thing. We have made it something of a hobby in our house.

Driving home from dinner with friends last night with my two insane little people in the back of the car reminded me of this hobby. I was cruising down the interstate listening to the radio with two quiet children. When suddenly an epically rotten smell overtook the cab of my vehicle. My eyes watered and I cracked a window. It was really, terribly foul. Then I wondered which one of them had done it.

There were a few moments of silence. Then V coughed twice, whimpered, and started screaming like someone was killing her. I assumed at that point that it was her baby brother that had desecrated the pleasant smelling atmosphere of my car.

But she didn’t stop crying even after the smell became slightly less toxic. Nope. She was in a frenzy that nothing could subdue…except for me singing along to 94.5 Hippie Radio. No other radio station would work. Believe me. I tried them all. Country. Top 40. Rap (which she loved in utero). Hip Hop. Rock. Adult Contemporary. And I tried singing to all of them. Only 94.5 Hippie Radio would squelch the frenzy. And only if I was singing too.

I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. When I sing my dogs run scared. They think there is something wrong with me. They hide. But here was this insane little person strapped into the backseat of a rolling port-a-potty and the only thing that would make it better was the world’s worst singer wailing away to Rock Me Gently by Neil Diamond among other songs. Good thing my parents raised me to appreciate the classics.

I thought at first perhaps the complete failure that is my attempt to sing had stunned her into a frightened silence. I wouldn’t have complained. Use what works. But no. She was clapping her little hands along. And when I stopped singing she started screaming.

If that had been an adult I would have driven them straight to the looney bin.

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