Pissant M.D.

I was going to write about a happy subject, my cactus, today. But you are going to have to wait to find out about my cactus later. I just survived the most horrific doctor’s appointment and I must vent.

Prior to getting pregnant with my first child I had nary a health problem. Now suddenly I am one big bundle of edge case health issues. The latest is a horribly severe case of dry eye presumably brought on by the Sjogren’s Syndrome.

I have fought with this issue for the past 18 months. It has impacted the sight in my right eye to the point that it can not be corrected because my eye is never hydrated enough to get a good prescription. I have had four bouts of extreme swelling, itchiness, and generally looking like I am a pot head on a mission for the world’s biggest stockpile of Cheetos.

And for the past eighteen months I have been told by three different doctors to use eye drops every hour on the hour. You know, because that is so reasonable for anyone…much less someone with two kids under two, a full time job, and a powerful need to eat, sleep, and bathe on occasion. And for eighteen months it has not worked. It hasn’t worked at all.

About two months ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and did a bit of Googling. Based on what I found I started taking Flax seed Oil supplements which have helped slightly. But despite constant eye drops and the Flax seed Oil supplements I find myself currently in the middle of yet another extreme case of dry eye. I believe someone implanted sandpaper on the back side of my eyelid while I was sleeping. This one has made me so light sensitive that it has triggered a migraine. I can’t go out doors. Indoor spaces with lights are difficult. I certainly can’t drive. I can’t look at a computer screen for much more than 30 seconds at a time. I have a feeling of being on a boat…the world is always moving slightly. I have nausea and am extremely sensitive to smells. Needless to say, it has made just going about my everyday business and doing my job very difficult.

And you ask why I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. Well, because the last time I went with similar, albeit less extreme symptoms, a resident got ahold of me. I spent 45 minutes in a chair with my eyes pried open and a very bright light shining in them. I was spinning, nauseous, in pain, and begging her to stop. She then had the fellow come look because apparently my eyes are very interesting. That was another 10 minutes of…I’ll say it…torture. If we did what they did to me to somebody in Gitmo, there would be Senate hearings. Then finally the doctor came in and there was another 5 minutes of the same. I was so sick when I left there, it took me two days to recover. I couldn’t drive. And it took two weeks for my eyes to improve to the dryness that they were when I went in. The reason I had delayed going in for this last bout is because the thought of going through that again turned my stomach worse than the migraine induced vertigo. I know. I’m a wimp.

I have been making my husband haul the kids around because I didn’t feel like they were safe riding with me. But it has finally reached the point where even I don’t feel safe riding with me and the poor man is having to chauffeur me everywhere at this point. So I finally broke down and called the evil doctors of eye torture.

And I insisted that I would not let a resident or fellow near me. Which is my right to do. But boy does it make them cranky. Cranky. Cranky. God forbid the doctor have to talk to you first. What an insult to his egodom. My doctor is kinda like Wilson from House with less humor, empathy, and a much more unpleasant personality.Based entirely on his wonderful personality I will hence forth refer to him as Dr. Piss-Ant. Let us just say it was a tense visit that involved shouting and one out-loud “really?”.

There was a bright light and prying of the eye open. There was even a flipping of the eyelid inside out. That is a very unpleasant sensation just for the record. But neither of those things brought about the “really” or the shouting.
He told me I wasn’t taking enough of my self-prescribed via Google medication. I needed to triple it. This elicited the “really.” I mean…pardon…are you f’in kidding me? You didn’t see fit to mention this magically simple and affordable solution before but you do see fit to tell me I am not taking enough of it. Asshole.

Then he gave me a prescription for Restasis and an Anti-Inflammatory drop. Yeah! Finally. Something that isn’t the exact same thing I have been doing for a year and a half now.

He also recommended ductal plugs. Sounds dirty and painful doesn’t it? I thought so too. It involves sticking these little orange plugs into your eye drainage ducts to force them retain tears. It sounded like a generally bad idea to me. But even better, he was going to put them in today…right there in the office chair. Because according to Dr. Piss-Ant the procedure “isn’t so bad.” And the first eye wasn’t. But the second eye hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.

So you know, I blinked and I moved backwards. But only after I told him twice that what he was doing really hurt. Go figure. And then he looks shocked, amazed, and angry and starts shouting that I can’t do that and “you need to move forward!” And I shouted back. He was informed pretty clearly that he needed to give me a minute. I mean for God’s sake…he was jabbing something into my eye and it was causing me pain. But he didn’t really want to give me that minute. The jabbing never let up.

Despite the shouting and tussling, I ended up with a second ductal plug. I then proceeded to let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought of his whole operation, their lack of basic common sense about how people react to unpleasant stimuli to the eye, their utter lack of empathy, the pain they inflict so cavalierly upon innocent patients, and his wonderful little Piss Ant self in general.

There was no violence, other than the jabbing stuff into my eye. I thought I did rather well because I really wanted to knock him upside the head and jab him in the eye while I told him not to blink because it wasn’t so bad. I think he knew that is what I wanted to do too. Alas, I could not see well enough to get anything remotely close to his eye.

It was a stressful, contentious few moments. He couldn’t fill out the paperwork and get me out of that room fast enough. I think our feelings toward each other are mutually disagreeable.

We will see if any of this stuff works. But at least now we aren’t trying the exact same thing and expecting different results. I will keep you posted on the results of Dr. Piss-Ant’s prescriptions. If I can just get rid of the migraine and drive I will be happy at this point. I gave up on being able to see out of my right eye a few months ago.

Gosh lone avid reader, I really hate doctors. Really I do. And I am doing my best to get them out of my life for good. My best just hasn’t been good enough yet.

Take care of your eyes. All manner of unpleasantness awaits you if you don’t.

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